My world is small and I like it that way, but it does have consequences.  Run-ins for me are the highlight of my day.  I get a twisted pleasure out of handling supposedly awkward encounters with poise and panache.  There is no reason we can’t all do this.  Remember, every relationship ends except one (ideally), so the world can potentially be an endless blur of duck-n-rolls from exes.  But I want you to stop avoiding these ghosts of the heart.  Don’t hide, don’t bury your face in your phone, don’t dash into the Ace Hardware to buy a measuring tape because you suddenly remembered that’s what you were doing.  You want to give that old-news something to remember you by… and ideally not the 17 texts you sent when you broke up or the bobby pins scattered in his sheets.  

Here are the three run-ins I had this week and how I handled it:

1) The old-hook up that nothing ever really happened with:  76 and I ran into each other on the street, him reaching into his pocket for a cigarette, me on the phone with my mom, because who else would I be talking to when I run into the kid I left claw marks on?  Ya know?  I called out his name, touched his fore-arm, smiled and said hi like it was an old friend.  He said something about us needing to get a drink sometime and I said, “yeah, we should, sorry I’m in a rush on my way to Brooklyn!  We’ll chat!”  

What I’m saying is that I’m like a really annoying PR girl.  For myself.  Darling!  Let’s definitely grab brunch!  Would I grab a drink with 76 if he asked?  Of course I would.  He’s charming and attractive.  But let me remind you, this isn’t fate.  This isn’t the world saying you belong together.  It’s the East Village on a Thursday night.  If you live there, and you are walking north/south, it’s likely you’ll run into other people who live there.  Don’t hope for a text.  Don’t text him.  And always say hi.  Old hook-ups and one-night-stands should really be the least awkward encounter… technically, they know you better than anyone.  Say hi and smile and move on.  That’s how you leave an impression, by being a class-act.  

Look at it this way, if he sees you duck and hide, he’s gonna turn to his friends and say, “that girl who just tripped behind the bushes sucked my dick last month.”  However, if you go up and say hello and smile like the babe that you are, he’ll be like, “uh yeah, we fooled around last month.  She’s pretty cool.”  Be cool, ladies.

2) The guy who broke your heart and you couldn’t be friends: I ran into 77 in the subway.  It felt like he saw me and acted like he didn’t.  I don’t know if this is true, but it doesn’t matter, because, “77?  I thought that was you - good to see you!”  Brisk, one-armed hug.  Genuine smile.  Don’t ask him what he’s been up to because you’re not supposed to care.  And hopefully it’s been long enough that you actually don’t.  Or you’re at least at the stage where you’re speculating with friends what lame ass shit you think he’s up to like hanging out with girls who call themselves artists by profession and taking Instagram photos of them wearing Buddy Holly glasses.  Get a job.  

When he inevitably asks what you’ve been up to, you have been up to a lot.  Work is great, you’ve been promoted, you just ran a 10k, you just spent the weekend up North.  I don’t give a shit if any of this is true, just say it.  ”Oh, I just ran a half-marathon so training has kept me really busy, and I’m writing a column now, plus a promotion at work… it’s been really fun.”  

When speaking to someone who broke your heart and who you may have acted a weee bit crazy about (subtle hand raise), you need to get out of that conversation as quickly as possible.  Because it literally doesn’t matter how normal you act, if you talk too long, boys with egos will immediately assume you want to hang out with them again.  I opted to get off at the next stop and he said, “we should hang out,” and I said, “yeah, I’ll get in touch if things slow down!” and no I fucking won’t.  

3) The guy you gave your number to and he never called: Obviously I was going to see 86 again.  He’s my bartender.  In the context of me going back to the bar, I went up to the bar, sat down, waved to him, and continued my conversation with my friend.  I never mentioned the phone number, he never mentioned the phone number, and my drinks were still free.  If you applied for a job on Facebook and they never contacted you, would you delete your profile?  If you sent a fan letter and never heard back would you still go see every Zac Efron movie?  

When someone doesn’t call you, it’s not an insult.  It’s an “I have a girlfriend,” or an “I’m gay,” or a, “you’re really pretty but I don’t date the girls who I meet at my bar,” or “wow, that was pretty cool, but I only date girls with face tattoos.”  

You didn’t receive an insult, you gave a compliment.  Act accordingly.  

—

Awkward is a construct developed by children hiding behind computer screens.  Be a human being and say hello to people.  Especially to people you’ve dated, because how can you justify being weird around someone who’s had their tongue in your mouth?  Really now.

5:45 pm  •  10 May 2012  •  75 notes

Anonymous asked: How do you juggle so many boys at once? I do not want to settle down w/ any one person, I want to date and meet people but every single guy wants to tie me down even though I explain that I'm 22 and don't want to be in an exclusive relationship!

The number one way to get someone to want to be in a relationship with you is to tell them you don’t want to be in a relationship.  Want what you can’t have, etc.

If you’re looking to juggle, just follow these two rules:

1. Tell people from the very beginning what you’re looking for, i.e. that you do not want to be in a relationship.

2. Use condoms.  

Enjoy being 22, love!  It’s a great age for merriment.  

1:38 pm  •  7 May 2012  •  8 notes

Anonymous asked: New boyfriend. Like him, don't love him. When I say new I mean hours old. He told me he loved me and I said it back because I'm awkward like that. He recognized something was off and said I didn't have to say it back and I mumbled something about being surprised. The second time he said it I just kissed him. The third, I said it back. What do I do now?! I'm not being fair to him. Do I just stop saying it or do I acknowledge that I don't?

If you’re in high school, just stop saying it.

If you’re in college, be dramatic and act like a lit major and explain how complicated love is and you’re just not there yet.

If you’re in your mid-20s, explain to him you feel it’s a little soon to be making such proclamations, considering it’s only been a few hours.  Then casually back away.

If you’re in your 30s and dudes are saying they love you with minutes of dating you… you are dating crazy people.  

No, but seriously, he said I love you after dating for a few hours?  That’s… that’s intense.

1:33 pm  •  7 May 2012  •  8 notes

Anonymous asked: Would love to hear your take on this: Started dating The One That (I Thought) Got Away six whole months ago. It's been amazing, and it already feels super serious, which I don't mind. We've been friends for about 7 years prior, and he's been married before. Here's the kicker: I just found out his divorce(!) isn't finalized yet, but they *are* legally separated. He's suggesting we look at apartments together this fall. Is it okay of me to ask him to maybe GET DIVORCED first?

It is 100% okay to say you are not comfortable looking at apartments until he is actually divorced.  In fact, not only is this ok, it is highly recommended.  By everyone.  Ever.  

1:16 pm  •  7 May 2012  •  6 notes

Anonymous asked: Did you ever feel like everyone was always leaving you? Or just wanted to be friends? That's what I wanted too... but I WANT to be wanted. I know, it's some psycho bullshit I'm totally ashamed of. Just... nothing has panned out in a long, long time for longer than a few months. I've cut the cord on OkC bc that just puts too much pressure on things, and I'm trying to work on MYSELF bc the alternative is EXHAUSTING. Any tips?

Nothing works out until it does.  And don’t #firstworldproblem yourself when talking about loneliness.  I know many people feel the need to dismiss it like it’s something that shouldn’t garner so much of their attention, but loneliness is like molasses in your veins - shit slows you down.

I hate to break this to you - but you’re handling it right.  Work on yourself.  Bring yourself happiness.  And be aware that things not panning out is better than the alternative of being trapped in a dead end.  It’s going to be lonely, and it’s going to be tiring, and like any prison sentence, you’re going to go a little mad.  Work out that energy on writing, knitting, yoga, boxing, pottery, training, card shuffling, whatever, because that feelings haunts you right until the moment it doesn’t.  

Until then, just know you’re not alone.  

1:09 pm  •  7 May 2012  •  8 notes

Anonymous asked: Need advice. Stat! A guy I dated for a little over a month and was gonna stay friends with after went MIA after a few hangouts and the reason was clearly he was in a relationship. Relationship now over on FB (over 6 months later), the morning after I notice the relationship status is gone, I have a message from him asking if I want to go play a sport we're both into. The timing is fishy...what is going on here? For the record, he pretty much broke up with me originally.

Forget about what’s going on for a second and ask yourself this: do you want to be friends with him?  Is it worth being friends with someone who so casually drops in and out of your life?  

Because it’s fishy as shit.  Do not let yourself be treated like a summer house.  

12:29 pm  •  7 May 2012  •  4 notes

Anonymous asked: I've been going out with a guy who we get along great but my friends don't approve cause of his looks. He has these (gross) holes at his ears and he is not good looking, well.. at all. He is funny, has great personality and you can totally count on, things that I value most than looks but cause of it, I don't feel like introducing him to people. I know it sounds shallow but if even my friends don't approve, my parents will freak out. Suggestions?

Well, it doesn’t sound shallow - it is shallow.  But pressure from our peers can feel suffocating when it’s unanimous.  I would suggest talking to your friends and letting them know how much you can count on him and how happy he makes you.  Your friends (assuming they are quality people) want what’s best for you, so remember this is sort of a back-handed compliment, but you’ll need to explain to them why their actions are inappropriate.

As for your parents, same thing.  Gauged ears are certainly an interesting aesthetic choice, but if you can show them that he’s kind and respectful, your parents should support you.

At the end of the day, you need to stand up for him if you really want to be with him.  Haters be damned.

12:27 pm  •  7 May 2012  •  5 notes

Anonymous asked: Why do guys act like they love a girl even though they barely know her?

Everyone does this.  It’s called lust, infatuation, pheromones, and hope.  

They’re not acting.  They’re high on dopamine.    

12:22 pm  •  7 May 2012  •  10 notes

Anonymous asked: So the ex tells me he wants to get back together and he likes me a lot. I'm leaning towards a maybe/more a yes so that's what I said. However, it's been over a week since either of us has made contact. No calls. No texts. Nothing. I've been busy so I'm not playing that wait-for-him calling game. It's juvenile. What are your takes? Has he lost interest? Is he all talk and no walk? What's this game he's playing? Is he playing a game?

Rather than overanalyze this, I’m just going to tell you exactly what I thought when I read this: he asked you to get back together with him then didn’t speak to you for a week?  Why would you ever want to date someone like that?  

I mean, that’s just strange.  Move out, young comrade, for this one is bizarre.  

6:39 pm  •  4 May 2012  •  3 notes

Anonymous asked: Is there anyone you really wish you hadn't had sex with? I just feel gross every time I think about him.

There’s some people I look back on and think, “well that was an odd choice.”  

But, I do know the “gross” feeling.  And that goes away.  If you’re lucky, it turns into a joke.  Like every time I think of 26 I just laugh and laugh.

It’s sort of like when you gorge on a dairy product.  It’s so delicious when you’re eating it, then you feel like you’re going to die and are metaphorically tethered to the bathroom, then the next day you’re fine. The only real difference is that this process takes a bit longer when it’s someone you slept with.  Next time, avoid the cheese dick and go for a breadwinner.  Heh.  Sorry.

9:30 am  •  4 May 2012  •  2 notes