I have, yet again, disabled my OkCupid account. It only took a month this time. As Eli Finkel, an associate professor of psychology at Northwestern University, said, “[online dating] overloads people and they end up shutting down.”
And it’s true. Scrolling through the pages and pages of 93% matches lowers the caliber of every choice and overwhelms the user. Like ordering clothes online, you won’t know if you truly love it until it shows up on your doorstep and you try it on. I am the kind of girl who needs to try things on.
On Sunday, one of my friends (recently single) asked me how exactly I was meeting people if not online.
…good question. As of late, it’s been the old-fashioned ways: through friends, at a bar, and general serendipity. If I had to make a pitch for online, it would actually be for sites like Tumblr rather than dating sites. And not just for making romantic connections, but for making friends. Through Tumblr I’ve had the pleasure of meeting people I can call when I’m sick, people who have (and would) host me across the globe, people who connected me with business opportunities, and of course you remember the tale of the blogger who took in my cat when I moved (apartmentless) to New York… a blogger I ended up dating.
I used to be of the mindset that if you read my blog, that didn’t mean you knew me. But I’m always reminded of something my friend Jocelyn said to me in 2009. I was complaining to her about a man I’d just met. I said, “he’s only interested in me because he thinks it’s cool I moved to the Caribbean and quit my job and just flew here on a whim. He doesn’t know anything about me.” Jocelyn said, “but you did do those things, and they do make up who you are.”
When I’m at a bar, when I’m in the park, you see my wide-eyed glances, my proud posture. You’ll either hate or love how I push to the bar and dash in front of cars. But at the end of the day, you’re only seeing a handful of attributes that make me as a whole. And that’s the same thing a person would see here, online. They’d see my optimism, my pride, and my private joys. They’d get to know a part of me not seen at bars, not seen on the subway.
Online might not be better than a bar, but it’s certainly no worse; all any of us can do is try it on and see if it fits.
