This was dating in New York.
This is a personal weblog. The opinions expressed here represent my own and not those of my employer. My opinions are subject to change. I reserve the right to argue with myself later on down the line when I've learned a lesson or two.
This was dating in New York.
Anonymous said: When a guy texts you he loves you but nobody said anything or brought up the subject, and you know he wasn't drunk, what do you do? It's been three months since the text so...
Just laughed out loud at my desk.
I mean…. it’s been three months and neither of you has said anything?Am I missing a piece of the puzzle here? You just let that little truth bomb float into the ether and then crystallize onto your screen, staring at it day after day, thinking, “well huh, that was weird.”
After three months, what can you do? Let the poor chap forget it ever happened at this point - I can guarantee you he’s worried about that text more than you have.
Three months… I love you guys.
Anonymous said: Met guy at work n we spent the entire day chatting. He kept asking random questions about my life, what I like to do, etc. Other people working w us noticed the "vibe" too so I'm not delusional. I've worked w him since w same experience. I'm not very bold with men n usually wait for them to ask me out. BUT I went for it n I threw out a "if u ever want hang lmk". He said "Ok yea def, I'll let you know" but never asked for a number. I may work w him again, do I give up n assume hes not into it?
…are you into him?
You’ve dissected whether or not he may or may not be into you… but do you even like this kid? Do you want to go out with him for any reason other than his vague display of interest?
Because if you do, fuck it! Ask him out! “Do you want to get drinks this Friday?” And if he says, “I can’t, but maybe some other time,” then he’s not interested. But if he says yes, or perhaps “I can’t Friday, but what about Saturday?” then maybe you’ve got something.
There is the very real possibility that this man has a girlfriend. Or is chicken-shit. Or figures that he’ll see you soon so doesn’t need to rush it. Or just has zero clue what he’s doing. You already threw one card out on the table, what’s the harm in throwing another?
Go out there and get what you want, god damnit! It’s the ’90s!
Anyway, you can ask him out.
Anonymous said: Hi there, I absolutely love you and your advice is always spot on and I kinda need some right now. One of my very best friends is a guy, we've known each other about two years now. We tell each other practically everything, I trust him implicitly we've even kissed a few times (we were drunk). I'm not sure how he thinks about me but how do you tell if you love someone more than as a best friend?
Oh honey bear. Honey, honey, honey bear.
Only once did I fall for a friend, and whew, what a disaster that was! And a few times, I wondered about another close friend… would we be good as partners? We’d kissed a few times, too, but over the years, that occasional wonder was just that: curiosity. It wasn’t love, it wasn’t anything. It was just knowing a good one and wondering if he was my one, when he wasn’t.
In my experience, falling in love with your best friend doesn’t often feel like curiosity, it feels like “oh fucking shit, no, no, no, no, not happening, not in love with them, please god don’t let me be in love with them.” It’s like starting to sniffle two days before vacation. “NOT NOW, GOD DAMNIT.”
It doesn’t sound like you’re under the crushing pressure of realization, but more like you have this person who seemingly checks all the boxes of boyfriend material, and you’re kind of wondering if you should also check “spark”. The “spark” irritates some people as a concept, but it’s really important to me. If my body isn’t like, “I need this” then it’s pretty hard for me to develop a connection beyond friendship. Is that an important thing to you, that feeling? If it is, don’t force it because he contextually makes the most sense. If that spark shows up, you won’t need a blogger to tell you it’s there. You’ll feel it like a slap in the face.
But if “spark” isn’t a thing for you, if you’re a slow-burn, then maybe consider the following: do you want to wrap up in him? make him dinner? cheer him on when he’s high and carry him when he’s low? do you want to stay in and talk movies when you could be out with friends? does his laugh make you want to smile? do his fears make you want to be brave? is sitting quietly with him better than sitting anywhere with anyone else?
Things to consider.
Anonymous said: First, i love you and the blog, even though I don't really know you. Thank you for sharing so much of your life with us. I recently made a bold move in moving 1000 miles to a new town (knowing no one) to accept a great job opportunity. And partly to get away from some negative things that I needed to leave in the past. The job is good, but the town I moved to is not so great. It's in between a small town and big city, and making friends has been way harder than I imagined. Advice, big sister?
So, let’s be for real, making friends is basically dating. You need to put yourself out there, not be afraid to make the first move, maybe do some things you wouldn’t normally do, wonder why they didn’t call, text and wait for texts back, have a really great time and wonder if calling them the next day is too soon… I mean, I’ve lived in LA for almost 8 months now (what!) and I’m still “making friends.”
But! In recognizing that making friends is like dating, it will enable you to try some weird shit and not be quite so intimidated.
Things I have done in attempts to meet/make friends (that actually worked):
And like I said, eight months after moving to LA, I’m still being weird and dorky, trying to get people to hang out with me. I don’t have a “group” of friends I can rely on to hang out with, just one here, one there, couple over there, a few in Silver Lake because that might as well be New Jersey it’s so far away, and I’m still kind of wondering who I’m gonna hang out with every weekend.
It’s hard out there for an adult.
But a little vulnerability and a whole lot of “please hang out with me” will go a long way.
Anonymous said: I told him we couldn't see eachother anymore because he said was too busy to make it official, despite us acting "official" for the past while and everyone else assuming so. Now I'm second guessing my decision because we connected well. Please, a pep talk in sticking to your guns despite gnawing self doubt.
If you didn’t second guess big decisions, your ego would be the size of a cow.
Second guessing isn’t a bad thing, it’s called being human, considering all angles, recognizing that you as a person are not infallible, not immune to mistakes. That’s a good thing.
That being said, people have overcome war, famine, and disease to be “official.” If he can’t manage it because he’s busy, it’s actually just because he doesn’t want to. If you want to second guess this decision, do it because he gives you a major reason to.
"I’m sorry, I just have so much going on at work that I can’t admit to myself that you’re my girlfriend. I know it seems like it would save time to call you ‘girlfriend’ instead of ‘girl I’m sleeping with most nights of the week and occasionally on weekends and take photos with and seemingly adore’, but it really wouldn’t. I’m very busy."
Sorry, just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
Stick to your guns because he’s clearly sticking to his bullshit.
Anonymous said: I'm currently reading through BMO 2012 (working my way up to current date) and I just read the words "Here’s to also deciding not to go for the guy, or to let go of the one that’s been around and taking you for granted too long. Sometimes, the boldest move is self-respect." and dammit, that's just what I needed to hear. Your blog helps more than you could ever imagine. Keep it up lovely.
Anonymous said: I've been living with a guy for four months now. We had been casually dating before that for a couple months and then both needed a new living situation, so I moved in with him. Since then things have been pretty great, and I've really enjoyed the situation. Now, however, I'm trying to figure out if I have actual deeper feelings for him, or not. I have pretty high walls built up, so it's hard to know. I also want to know if he has feelings for me. How do you even start that conversation?
You know when you’re really stressed out and then someone is like, “you just need to chill out.” And you’re like “NO FUCKING SHIT, SHERLOCK. THANKS FOR ALL YOUR HELP.”
Well, unfortunately, I’m about to give you the same advice. You just start the conversation. Start it when you’re making dinner or something casual… not while cuddling, not anything too intimate. And be frank about it. There’s no test, no quiz, no Magic 8 Ball, no sorcery, no potions, and above all else (as much as I would fucking love this) no blog post that will tell you if he has feelings for you or how deep yours go.
You just need to have a conversation. And trust me, if there was a script that worked, we would all know it by heart. So start with what feels authentic, “we’ve been living together for a bit, and I’ve been curious lately how you feel about me.”
Also, let me just point out that there’s something sort of amazing in, “we were dating for a few months and just moved in together for convenience and it’s been great.”
Like, God bless you, you incredibly chill person. Are you sure you have really high walls built up? Are you sure you’re not just a non-dramatic, very likable human? Things to consider.
I’d love to hear how the conversation goes. Godspeed, oh relaxed one.
Anonymous said: Have you ever considered riding a motorcycle ?
When I lived on Virgin Gorda, I went with some friends to ride scooters around the island. I took my scooter out into the parking lot to prove to the rental people I knew how to drive it, and then subsequently proved to everyone in the parking lot that I most assuredly did NOT know how to drive it, and crashed it into a car and fell over.
So, no. I have not considered riding a motorcycle. Also, I only ever really wanted to ride a motorcycle so I could pull my helmet off and shake out my flowing golden locks to an audience of definitely-falling-in-love-with-me-but-still-kind-of-intimidated men and women, but my hair actually gets matted to my head in a minute and a half and I end up looking like a bathed cat, deprived of its dignity by revealing the true form of its body.
Thank science for dry shampoo.
Anonymous said: You've been gone for too long. This isn't fun anymore.