Holy hell. Fourth anniversary of the blog.
This is a personal weblog. The opinions expressed here represent my own and not those of my employer. My opinions are subject to change. I reserve the right to argue with myself later on down the line when I've learned a lesson or two.
Anonymous asked: Happy Birthday to DBN. You don't know how much I've relied on your words, experiences and wisdom to get me through a horrible breakup. Thank you so much. Can't wait for your book!
DBN is four years old this weekend!
The next time someone tells you people don’t change, just have them read my blog from the beginning. People change.
Happy Valentine’s Day! Or Galentine’s Day. Or birthday? Anniversary? Day before your birthday?
How about happy Friday? Are we all good with that one? Good.
Anonymous asked: any advice re: moving on when you feel like you’re the one who screwed up? I recently told a guy I had dated for a fairly short time, but who was really the 1st person I’ve ever loved, that I was going to take a (really great) job in NYC, which would start in a year. (I had the offer before I met him) I thought if things continued going well before I left, I’d change my plans. He said fine, a few weeks later he said he didn’t want to do the distance at all and found someone else to date. Hard to get over.
Babe, you didn’t screw up, you dodged a bullet, holy hell. This was a guy that would’ve never followed you, and yet, you were willing to give up a great opportunity for him? Thank science you didn’t because he was never that interested in you.
Anonymous asked: So there is this guy in college I really like but I am in two minds about whether I should go steady with him or continue playing the field because it’s college after all?
You can play the field in college. You can also play the field after college. It is not mandatory field-playing time. As a matter of fact, I might actually recommend playing the field more after college because at least then people actually go on dates.
Anonymous asked: Have you ever felt conscious of your height ? I am 5’3” and my insecurity regarding my height often comes in way of landing prospective dates.
The weird thing about insecurities is that if someone didn’t want to date you because of the thing you are insecure about, you probably wouldn’t want to date them.
Anonymous asked: what would your personal artifact be any why?
Anonymous asked you: I miss your date recaps but I understand that your blog has evolved into something more meaningful. Just curious though, are you actively dating again?
Coupled up with something clever and funny and handsome as hell.
Anonymous asked: You’ve inspired me to start writing again. I’m trying to get a blog started and everything…Everything you post inspires me so much.
Have a glass of wine and listen to Steve Winwood’s Higher Love.
Anonymous asked: I’m sorry to bother you, I hope everything is okay at you end but I was wondering if you can help me. A guy friend has a thing for me, I don’t reciprocate, nor has he ever expressed his feelings but mutual friends let me in on it. Though flattering, it’s constantly awkward, we have no conversation and because I am closer to our other friend he has decided to make horrid comments about us and I can’t take it anymore! It’s rude and pathetic, how do I politely tell him to shut the hell up? x
"Hi, I’d like to believe this isn’t true, but I heard that you said some unkind things about me. It really hurt my feelings to know you felt that way, and I’d like to know you won’t say those kinds of things about me again."
If you respond rudely, he’ll feel justified in talking shit. If you respond kindly, and he still feels justified, then it’s time to do some friend dropping.
Anonymous asked: Kelton (I keep typing Prescott and then remembering I know you real name now #friendsforlyfe) I know you’re busy. I know you’re out there writing an amazing book. BUT girl, my tumblr dashboard is so boring I can’t handle it. Please give me some recommended tumblrs to peruse while I wait for you to post. Anything original, good writing, doesn’t have to be relationship-themed, but tumblrs with interesting lives and loves. Thank you!
I only suggest other Tumblrs via email because I am terrified of leaving someone out publicly. Which is sort of a dick move because I should really put my friends on blast more often. Shit.
Anonymous asked: I love your paintings. Holy crap you are talented. Open an etsy please??!
Mom, get off the Internet.
Anonymous asked: Were you strolling around dtla this morning?
Anonymous asked: I have had a major crush on a guy for about 3 months now. We met when he was visiting the States and have continued to talk regularly and Skype since he went back to Germany. I’m smitten. There’s no real opportunity for a relationship (or even dating!) for a while - possibly never. Anyways, in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, I’m tempted to tell him I have a major crush on him. Do you think this is even a good idea since nothing can come of it? Right now but I guess possibly never?
Anonymous asked: Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Anonymous asked: Best and worst dating advice you’ve ever gotten?
Anonymous asked: I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months now. We are incredibly happy together. But in the last month or so I've been getting the familiar itch to cut ties and take a go a life solo. I'm about to turn 21. I live in nyc with 5 other girls. It's supposed to be the time I embrace the instability and do what I want! But at the same time i care too much about him to give him up. I've dropped guys bc of this feeling before but I'm afraid to lose something truly special. I find myself bored but torn..
I wish someone had explained this to me when I was younger, but having a boyfriend does not mean you can’t “do what you want.” You can still go on vacation alone. You can still take a weekend to see your friend in Miami. You can still dance all night and wear what you want and interview for new jobs and try new things. Being in a relationship isn’t like being grounded, it’s actually like having really cool parents . “I promise I won’t get too drunk and I’ll take a cab home, and I’ll text you when I get there. Love you oodles. Byeee.”
What, exactly, does having a boyfriend prevent you from doing other than hooking up with other people? Is the only inconvenience of a wild life with a boyfriend that you would need to be considerate that certain actions might hurt his feelings? That you might need to talk about some things first?
Look, I’ve always considered myself a bit of a lone wolf because it’s easier to just look out for Number One, but sometimes it’s worth it to look out for someone else, too. Breaking up with someone out of boredom is pretty similar to just chopping all your hair off “for a change”: sometimes it’s a good call but sometimes you end up staring in the mirror thinking, “well that was fucking stupid.”
I’m not in your relationship, I can’t tell you what to do. But I can tell you that when life seems stunted and boring, it’s usually because you’re bored with what you’re doing, not who you’re with.
This is Finnegan Tillerick. And he’s my new partner in crime.
I’ve been pretty quiet on the (personal) Tumblr front for awhile, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been reading!
I fell in love with datebynumbers' writing years ago, and I'm super excited to share the first piece she's written especially for Teen Vogue—hope you like it, too!
drewblahblah, can’t thank you enough. So excited about this.
For every Justin Bieber, there’s a Kendrick Lamar who released his breakout album in his mid-20s (which, news alert, is still young!). For every Jennifer Lawrence being stopped on vacation in New York as a teen, there’s a Kerry Washington who didn’t nail her career-making role on Scandal until age 35. And for every prodigy you stumble across on the internet, there are thousands of later-bloomers whose big breaks just haven’t come yet.
The trouble is, giving up now means your big break can’t come. So your acoustic cover of “Drunk in Love” only got 200 views…so what? Don’t get discouraged simply because something you loved doing didn’t score you a record deal on the first shot. When your quirky Tumblr isn’t featured on BuzzFeed within the week, remember that fires that burn too quickly have a way of flaming out. Let yourself breathe and slowly but surely build something great. The real key to success is time.”
I have had the unique pleasure to work with CollegeCandy answering questions about love, jobs, boys, girls, texting, cheating, loving and lying every week for over a year now, but the time has come to wrap up this chapter and start answering some lingering questions for myself. Below is my final Dear DBN for CollegeCandy, a compilation of the best advice I’d ever given… or received. I hope you enjoy!
The first few months should be easy. How many romantic stories ever started with, “He dumped me three times before proposing! I cried to my girlfriends all the time!” Please note that this is different from, “I ignored him for the first three months.” It should be easy when you are dating.
Everybody is somebody’s ex. We’ve all dated other people. We don’t need to talk about it.
Do not spend all day texting/G-chatting. My best friend and I g-chat every day, and when she goes on vacation, I just about lose my mind wanting to talk to her. Let your lover feel that way, too. Let them fantasize about having you in their arms, about wrapping you up and kissing you when they see you, instead of listening to you complain all day about how the girl next to you won’t stop smacking on her gum. I spend all day IMing with my best friends because I spend all night not talking to them. People either get day or they get evening because everyone gets tired of each other. Everyone.
The more you need to ask for advice about someone, the more likely it is you shouldn’t be dating them. When I met my best friend, I didn’t constantly ask other people if the things she was doing were indicative of a good best friend, or if I should call her that, or if the text she sent meant she actually wanted to hang out on Saturday. We both started calling each other “best friend” because it was obvious and good and natural. I know this is solid advice solely based on how many times I have cavalierly opted to ignore it and ended up in heartache.
Love and sex do not always pair when we want them to. Great sex does not mean you’re in love. Being in love doesn’t mean the sex will be good. Because life’s unfair.
Don’t “social media” your relationship to death. If you saw someone sexy at a party, would you follow them around and listen to every conversation and try to glean information from every inside joke and immediately follow around anyone they spoke to trying to determine their relationship status and checking who that person spoke to and how frequently and if they talked to that person again, following all of these people around like a poorly trained dog begging for scraps? Because that’s what social media stalking is and it’s tacky and weird. Stop it. People are not meant to be open books for dissection, they’re meant to be fascinating creatures of discovery.
Men typically go after what they want. No one ever said this meant women shouldn’t.
Love isn’t an elaborate YouTube video. Love is doing the dishes and the laundry when you’re stuck at the office and leaving a plate of dinner in the microwave for you. Having three million strangers comment on your proposal won’t mean shit when he doesn’t answer your texts and stumbles in drunk the next morning. Big displays of love are just that: displays. And they can feel good and they can turn things around, but love is a river and it will stagnate in a pool of one off gestures.
Do not try to have serious conversations via text. How many times do we need to go over this before it becomes clear that you cannot convey tone in a text message? That taking a phone call in the middle of a text conversation can leave a three minute gap after “do you love me?” and ruin everything? You can’t even use bold or italics in texting! Stop trying to have life altering conversations on this medium.
Your boyfriend and your best friend should be two separate people. For your sanity and his. This person is your lover. They are not your best friend. Your best friend is a different category.
Ain’t nothing wrong with loving someone who loves you more. Imagine this scenario: you need to pull a cart of rocks to the top of a mountain and you can choose one of two people to do it. The first choice won’t complain when you get a little lazy and he’ll stop and help you up when you scrape your knee. The second choice will occasionally tell you that you need to pull it yourself because he’s had a hard life and my god does he appreciate you for doing that for him. He will also tell you that you are strong enough to pick yourself up when you fall, and baby you’ll appreciate me later for making you dust yourself off, because you’re a strong woman. That second man is a manipulative piece of shit and it’s better to learn that now. Being tough is great. Being tough and having someone who’s like, “I don’t care how tough you are, you can’t push a cart of rocks up a mountain with a broken ankle” is better. Learn this now and save yourself years and years of bullshit.
Fights are not multi-media or multi-topic. Talk about the problem at hand and not anything else. Wanting to hear him say you’re beautiful more often is not the right time to mention that your wealthy, charming and single male boss tells you that you look great all the time. The problem is how often your boyfriend says it, not how often anyone else does. Fight fair. And if he’s the one not fighting fair, just yell, “Objection! Leading the witness into a different issue that can be addressed at a later date but not right now!”
Hug and kiss your person the moment they walk in the door. It helps differentiate them from, you know, roommates. It’s the equivalent of washing a garment the moment you spill something on it – it’s much easier to remove that stain after it happens than a week later at the dry cleaner’s. Now kiss and makeup.
Other men and other women are not your enemy. Your partner has control and ownership of their actions. I don’t care if you find another woman in your bed literally wearing a shirt that says “homewrecker”, she is not the problem – the problem is the person who betrayed you. And if the “homewrecker” tank top is your best friend, then the problem is you because you’ve got shitty taste in people.
Being happy is better than being right. You’re probably right about the year KFC was founded, who played Churchill in The King’s Speech, and how many National Championships your university has won. Look it up later, pat yourself on the back, and let it go. Actually, maybe correct him on that National Championships one because your team is technically family.
Comfortable is not the same as boring and passionate is not the same as good. Think about your job, your family members, your friends… you don’t worship them every day. Some days they’re difficult and selfish and pointlessly difficult, but you don’t quit them. You don’t quit your job because your boss didn’t praise your latest PowerPoint deck. You don’t abandon your sister because she got shitfaced at your birthday and you had to give up your night to drive her home. You don’t delete your friend’s number because she didn’t respond to a text. Relationships and occupations ebb and flow and between highs and lows there are plateaus of living your life, of day in and day out, sunrise to sunset of paying bills and buying groceries, good outfits and bad hair days, and the quiet lull of being an animal living its life. And sometimes, when for the seemingly umpteenth time you come home and watch TV with your honey and think, “our relationship is so boring,” consider that they might be thinking the same thing and maybe it’s on you to say, “want to go for a walk and grab a beer?”
The best piece of advice I ever got, concerning anything, was from my father. I was in the dregs of hating my “pointless job” and wondering if I was meant to seriously create digital banner ads under this much duress for all of eternity and what was I even adding to the world and not understanding why men were such complete gas lighting idiots and how could the world be so pointless and cruel to rip away the one thing I loved the most and why was it so hard to figure out how to cook rice and how was our government ever going to fix anything and what was the point of any of this and why couldn’t I find one single god damned outfit to wear that night.
My father told me to have a glass of water, go for a walk, and calm the fuck down.
Therein lay the solution to everything: we get so worked up, so twisted into our own thoughts and misconceptions and assumptions that we forget today is just another day on top of another day and only in the calm can we see the horizon clearly. Everyone gets worried, suspicious, panicky, and confused, and everyone says things that get misunderstood, misconstrued, misattributed, and missed all together. When we’re doubling over backwards to understand life, it’s worth remembering we’re not supposed to understand it, we’re supposed to enjoy it. Seek the calm so you may see the joy more clearly.