t h i s i s s o g o o d
This is a personal weblog. The opinions expressed here represent my own and not those of my employer. My opinions are subject to change. I reserve the right to argue with myself later on down the line when I've learned a lesson or two.
Anonymous said: I love the advice you give, you have been such an inspiration. My question is about a guy I just started dating. I've known him for years but just recently have gotten back in contact. We went on a date. I, with no self control, internet stalked him first and found out he just had ended a long term relationship. I thought, a date is a date. But midway through, he gets a phone call from who I think is his ex. He says he'll call said person back later. Is this worth pursuing?
It couldn’t have been his mom? His sister? His step-father? His realtor? His landlord? His roommate? His drug dealer? His parole officer? His colleague? His intern? His web designer? His bestie? His worstie? His vet? His doctor? His grandma? His second date of the evening?
Even if it was his ex, did he say I love you? Get up and leave? Start crying? Talk on the phone in front of you? Carry on as if you weren’t there? Tell her they’d get back together after this date was over?
I think it’s worth taking a deep breath and remembering that if it was his ex, he didn’t choose that call over you. And a phone call from an ex could be about: her picking up her things, that he owed $35 for the last cable bill, that the dog they had together made it out of surgery OK, that she’d run into his mom at the market and it was super awkward, that she found his favorite sweatshirt and dropped it off at his place.
It could have been any person about any thing. If you’re going to be spinning stories, at least spin fun ones.
That, or ask him what he’s looking for. If he says, “I just got out of something serious so I’m just looking to have fun,” then you can make an educated decision about whether he’s worth pursuing, instead of just blindly throwing spaghetti at the wall in the dark.
Sounds like summer and love and lights and drinks.
This blog hit 1,000,000 page views today.
Which, let’s be serious, is insane.
HAVE THE BEST WEEKEND EVER, EVERYONE.
This song is like… very early 00’s Marc Broussard. And I am into it.
Oooh, yasssss. This is a body roller.
Anonymous said: Hey Love, I've been seeing this guy on and off for a little over a month. When we are hanging out we have the best time and have a real connection. I will admit that I slept with him WAY too soon but he still seemed interested. However, he is so bad at communicating. He will go days without contacting me. Then when he finally does or I cave and text him, he apologizes profusely and reassures me continuously that he is interested. Am I just demanding or is he just being a prick? Whats going on?
A few things with this:
1) don’t “admit” you slept with him like that’s a bad thing - it is 2014, you sleep with people when you want to.
2) any man who loses interest in you for having consensual sex with you is not worth dating in the first place.
3) now that I’ve firmly established my viewpoint that this is not about when/how/if you slept with him, let me say this:
People have different communication styles, and those styles have their own variations based on what that person wants. Are you looking to eventually be in a relationship? Does he know what you are looking for? Do you know what he is looking for? Have you expressed that his communication style upsets you? Have you forgiven him repeatedly for committing the same transgressions over and over, which it sounds like you have?
Girl, you’re not demanding at all. You’re just passively dating a guy who’s not in a hurry to hang out all the time. That doesn’t mean he is (or isn’t) being a douchebag. It just means you’re hanging out on his schedule and the repercussions thus far have been… still getting to hang out with you?
Get on the same page with him. Level with him. And after you’ve discussed, make some decisions. It is a really, really tough call to admit that you’re looking for something serious and only hanging out once-ish a week is not enough. But you gotta make the call that is right for you.
Life’s too beautiful to stare at your phone all the time.
Anonymous said: No question today! Just a hug for you and well wishes. You're awesome. <3
Aww, hug for you, too!
Back to the grind. You’re all lovely.
Anonymous said: I've been secretly dating my work supervisor for six months. I was a catalyst in ending his marriage (which was on the downslide anyway), and he got officially divorced in April. We care about each other a lot, but we are talking about "cooling it" for the next year until we stop working together (my job lasts one more year) so he isn't in danger of being fired and he can get in a better emotional place post-divorce. Does it make sense to put a relationship on hold for a year? What would you do?
You know, this started with “we are talking” and ended with a whole bunch of reasons for him.
For one, I would stop dating married dudes and office superiors, especially when they’re both, and then I would have you ask yourself what you want. Because if it’s not “cooling it,” then it’s not cool.
Anonymous said: Do you you have any tips on how I can begin falling in love with myself. That's sounds so silly. I've just been so broken I was addicted to alcohol then to a man. Now that didn't work out an I want to heal. I'm desperate to heal. I lost all my friends because I don't drink anymore. My best friend is a man I love but doesn't love me back. What do I do. Also any book recommendations for this?
Oh honeybear, you do love yourself. You loved yourself enough to quit drinking. You loved yourself enough to recognize who wasn’t supporting you. And you love yourself enough to want to heal. You are not short on love, you are short on patience. The wounds of recovering from addiction and loss and heartbreak are deep. Those do not fix themselves in a matter of weeks. But they do fix themselves on soldiers like you, the rare breed of person who can see the things they need to change in themselves and take the action to change it.
Read Tiny Beautiful Things and Wild, both by Cheryl Strayed. After you have read both, or possibly as a break between chapters, get your favorite beverage and find a warm, sunny spot to write… and just list things that are pretty cool about you, like that you have all ten toes and they all work, or about the beauty mark constellation on your arm, or that you can tie a knot with your hair and it stays. Write about the little oddities that make you human, and go ahead and feel ridiculous doing it. Because silly is a good thing. Silly is a beautiful thing. Silly is how you feel when you’re in love and when you win and when you’re giggling and when you’re tipsy, and it’s how you feel right now asking how to fall in love with yourself because it’s an emotion that’s full of hope.
Maybe it is a silly thing to ask, but what a wonderful thing silly can be.