This is a personal weblog. The opinions expressed here represent my own and not those of my employer. My opinions are subject to change. I reserve the right to argue with myself later on down the line when I've learned a lesson or two.
I’ve had the question of strength on my mind for a while. How to get it, how to keep it, how to grow it.
I get my strength from plenty of sources: steamed tofu with bok choy, long shopping trips with friends, walking faster than people on the street, text messages with my mom, Mindy Kaling, laying on the couch marathoning television with my bff, crying while watching Ellen Degeneres give people in need money or cars, writing, eating Phish Food, running up the stairs, hot showers, good strong hugs, great eyeliner, Drunk In Love, etc. I’ve also been learning where not to cultivate strength: too much whiskey, too much gluttony, spending too much money on said shopping trips, gossip, staying in the house to avoid anxiety, laughing at jokes I don’t think are funny, spending time with people who make me feel bad, etc.
However, the thing that has been pushing me forth lately has been, quite simply, other women. I really find it funny I used to think I “got along better with men” and I looked at women at one big floral-scented amorphous shape: “here I am,going to steal your man.” I used to want my world to be a giant boy’s club I could be a part of. And then, of course, I realized…what I needed…was in front of me all along! *cries in front of airplane rom com style* Women give me power in myself and who I am, and they are a necessary part of my growth and strength. I love my friendships with women, I love drinking wine with friends till we spill hummus on our shirts, I love the growing community of women wanting to lift each other’s lives and breasts up. I love seeing women take power, take control, and grow confidence. These everyday-Rosie-The-Riveters have propelling me so forward lately, and I am very grateful for that. I feel like I am finding a place in the world with the winning team that’s going to take over the world.
With all that said, it’s completely appropriate to have another guest post, this time about strength, this time from one of my favorite lady bloggers on Earth: Kelton Wright from Date By Numbers. Years ago, we became Internet-Introduced because we both went on a blind date with the same man. Then, we sashayed our way our of that situation, blossomed into eternal feminine power, and grew into a mutual respect and love for each other’s work. She writes beautifully in many places, including here and here. Her first book with Thought Catalog Publishing comes out this spring. She is an inspiration to me, and man, I hope to meet her one day. Below is a piece she contributed on strength. Lately, it’s been just what I need:
Friends! I had the pleasure of writing a piece on strength for Alida over at The Frenemy. I’ve a mad girl crush on her (verging on just pure envy) for basically years now. She’s funny, witty, charming, and duh, published. I actually got her book for Christmas from my parents, and it was awesome.
Basically, I’m fangirl-ing. Go read the thing.
iamapinetree asked: BECAUSE OF YOU (many things have happened but this one is urgent) I have a super hot super tall super vegan super bearded super intelligent OKcupid date tonight and I'm fucking nervous. Butterflies to the max. I would say "help!" but you already have, so I think I'm just writing to you in order to distract my restless mind for 5 seconds HELP <3
There’s a hot, tall vegan out there somewhere who is sweating out butterflies because he has a date with you.
Put on some power pop. You got this date and you’re gonna rock this date.
Anonymous asked: Happy Birthday to DBN. You don't know how much I've relied on your words, experiences and wisdom to get me through a horrible breakup. Thank you so much. Can't wait for your book!
DBN is four years old this weekend!
The next time someone tells you people don’t change, just have them read my blog from the beginning. People change.
Happy Valentine’s Day! Or Galentine’s Day. Or birthday? Anniversary? Day before your birthday?
How about happy Friday? Are we all good with that one? Good.
Anonymous asked: any advice re: moving on when you feel like you’re the one who screwed up? I recently told a guy I had dated for a fairly short time, but who was really the 1st person I’ve ever loved, that I was going to take a (really great) job in NYC, which would start in a year. (I had the offer before I met him) I thought if things continued going well before I left, I’d change my plans. He said fine, a few weeks later he said he didn’t want to do the distance at all and found someone else to date. Hard to get over.
Babe, you didn’t screw up, you dodged a bullet, holy hell. This was a guy that would’ve never followed you, and yet, you were willing to give up a great opportunity for him? Thank science you didn’t because he was never that interested in you.
Anonymous asked: So there is this guy in college I really like but I am in two minds about whether I should go steady with him or continue playing the field because it’s college after all?
You can play the field in college. You can also play the field after college. It is not mandatory field-playing time. As a matter of fact, I might actually recommend playing the field more after college because at least then people actually go on dates.
Anonymous asked: Have you ever felt conscious of your height ? I am 5’3” and my insecurity regarding my height often comes in way of landing prospective dates.
The weird thing about insecurities is that if someone didn’t want to date you because of the thing you are insecure about, you probably wouldn’t want to date them.
Anonymous asked: what would your personal artifact be any why?
Anonymous asked you: I miss your date recaps but I understand that your blog has evolved into something more meaningful. Just curious though, are you actively dating again?
Coupled up with something clever and funny and handsome as hell.
Anonymous asked: You’ve inspired me to start writing again. I’m trying to get a blog started and everything…Everything you post inspires me so much.
Have a glass of wine and listen to Steve Winwood’s Higher Love.
Anonymous asked: I’m sorry to bother you, I hope everything is okay at you end but I was wondering if you can help me. A guy friend has a thing for me, I don’t reciprocate, nor has he ever expressed his feelings but mutual friends let me in on it. Though flattering, it’s constantly awkward, we have no conversation and because I am closer to our other friend he has decided to make horrid comments about us and I can’t take it anymore! It’s rude and pathetic, how do I politely tell him to shut the hell up? x
"Hi, I’d like to believe this isn’t true, but I heard that you said some unkind things about me. It really hurt my feelings to know you felt that way, and I’d like to know you won’t say those kinds of things about me again."
If you respond rudely, he’ll feel justified in talking shit. If you respond kindly, and he still feels justified, then it’s time to do some friend dropping.
Anonymous asked: Kelton (I keep typing Prescott and then remembering I know you real name now #friendsforlyfe) I know you’re busy. I know you’re out there writing an amazing book. BUT girl, my tumblr dashboard is so boring I can’t handle it. Please give me some recommended tumblrs to peruse while I wait for you to post. Anything original, good writing, doesn’t have to be relationship-themed, but tumblrs with interesting lives and loves. Thank you!
I only suggest other Tumblrs via email because I am terrified of leaving someone out publicly. Which is sort of a dick move because I should really put my friends on blast more often. Shit.
Anonymous asked: I love your paintings. Holy crap you are talented. Open an etsy please??!
Mom, get off the Internet.
Anonymous asked: Were you strolling around dtla this morning?
Anonymous asked: I have had a major crush on a guy for about 3 months now. We met when he was visiting the States and have continued to talk regularly and Skype since he went back to Germany. I’m smitten. There’s no real opportunity for a relationship (or even dating!) for a while - possibly never. Anyways, in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, I’m tempted to tell him I have a major crush on him. Do you think this is even a good idea since nothing can come of it? Right now but I guess possibly never?
Anonymous asked: Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Anonymous asked: Best and worst dating advice you’ve ever gotten?
Anonymous asked: I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months now. We are incredibly happy together. But in the last month or so I've been getting the familiar itch to cut ties and take a go a life solo. I'm about to turn 21. I live in nyc with 5 other girls. It's supposed to be the time I embrace the instability and do what I want! But at the same time i care too much about him to give him up. I've dropped guys bc of this feeling before but I'm afraid to lose something truly special. I find myself bored but torn..
I wish someone had explained this to me when I was younger, but having a boyfriend does not mean you can’t “do what you want.” You can still go on vacation alone. You can still take a weekend to see your friend in Miami. You can still dance all night and wear what you want and interview for new jobs and try new things. Being in a relationship isn’t like being grounded, it’s actually like having really cool parents . “I promise I won’t get too drunk and I’ll take a cab home, and I’ll text you when I get there. Love you oodles. Byeee.”
What, exactly, does having a boyfriend prevent you from doing other than hooking up with other people? Is the only inconvenience of a wild life with a boyfriend that you would need to be considerate that certain actions might hurt his feelings? That you might need to talk about some things first?
Look, I’ve always considered myself a bit of a lone wolf because it’s easier to just look out for Number One, but sometimes it’s worth it to look out for someone else, too. Breaking up with someone out of boredom is pretty similar to just chopping all your hair off “for a change”: sometimes it’s a good call but sometimes you end up staring in the mirror thinking, “well that was fucking stupid.”
I’m not in your relationship, I can’t tell you what to do. But I can tell you that when life seems stunted and boring, it’s usually because you’re bored with what you’re doing, not who you’re with.
This is Finnegan Tillerick. And he’s my new partner in crime.