Anonymous said: About to move across Canada (literally - just under 6000 km) to a city where I know almost no one, to do my master's degree. I've always been social enough to go out to events and places alone, but actually talking to new people without being approached is a problem. Not a few times, I've ended up the quiet guy in a bar or at a show, watching the band and enjoying myself alone. Any suggestions for meeting new people when I get there? (Outside of class/school, as that's always been an easy way.)
Be shameless. People don’t offer help unless they know you need it. Don’t be afraid to tell people you don’t know anyone yet and would love to be introduced, invited, and included. Email your friends and ask them to email their friends to see if they have other friends in this new city that would grab a beer with you. Meet those friends and see if they have friends that would also grab a beer with you. Then meet those friends of friends of friends and ask them if they have friends. And just keep doing this until you have friends.
I would tell you to join an intramural league, or go on dating sites, or try meetup.com, but spiderwebbing friend groups is the one thing that has always worked for me in every city I’ve moved to. Which is like, a lot.
5:23 pm • 14 June 2014 • 15 notes
Anonymous said: I was dating a guy casually for about a month and things seemed perfect-- like everything I was looking for! He made his interest really clear and we saw each other constantly...Til he went on a vacation and was never heard from again. I tried reaching out to him but got really short responses and it was clear that something changed. Fast forward three weeks and this is still driving me crazy because I'm still confused and left wondering what went wrong...How do I brush this off with no closure?
For like two weeks after the True Detective finale, I was yelling questions at my viewing partner at every opportunity about loose ends and meaningless plot additions until he finally looked at me and said, “for Christ’s sake, Kelton, they shot the killer. That is a case closed.”
Your dude stopped responding. That, unfortunately, is your case closed. And you don’t get to know why. You could spend time reading internet forums about all the loose ends, or you could just brush yourself off and say, “well that was bullshit,” and go watch something else.
Plenty of shows on TV these days, you know?
5:17 pm • 14 June 2014 • 37 notes
Anonymous said: Why is it that the guys I'm interested in never seem to show interest back or it seems they are but don't ask for a number etc but the ones I'm not into do? Am I giving off a vibe? People always say like you must get asked out a lot or how are you single?!
When someone asks you how you are single, say ”I’m actually a total pyro and start setting things on fire when I stay over other people’s houses.”
Just kidding. That’s my line.
Also, reel it back. Not every single guy you are not into asks for your number. And having guys ask for your phone number that you’re not interested in is not the devil’s mark.
Riddle me this: how many guys that you were interested in did you ask for their number? The vibe you’re giving off is that you’re frustrated you’re not getting what you want, and that’s not an appealing vibe. What is an appealing vibe is, “no worries, I’ll get it myself,” with a grin and a hair toss.
Quit sitting on your pedestal waiting for the cutest prince to say hi. March right into his kingdom and say it yourself. Then, and only then, will I tolerate complaints about not getting what you want.
5:09 pm • 14 June 2014 • 23 notes
Anonymous said: Spent the last four months talking to a recovering addict who was (minus the addiction thing) everything I was looking for. Now, he's seemed to have pulled the "ghosting" technique on me and I need help remembering that it's a reflection of him, not me. I feel a little worthless and I don't understand WHY anyone thinks that's okay to do. How do I pick up the pieces?
Honey, you don’t need help remembering this is a reflection on him. You know it’s a reflection on him.
No one thinks it’s OK to ghost on people, even the people doing it. They’re just too cowardly to do otherwise. He wasn’t everything you were looking for, because I sincerely doubt you were looking for selfish, insincere, and chicken-shit.
When people disappear from your life, make sure you are present in it. Don’t sit out your days because he chose to. You pick up the pieces by rolling in them - in days at the park, in nights at the bar with friends, in long drives with the windows down and the music up, in decadently prepared meals and private dance parties. You pick up the pieces by doing what he couldn’t: being kind and gracious to yourself.
4:53 pm • 14 June 2014 • 22 notes
Anonymous said: Should a person bother to go through the agony of a 'break' when it is requested, or should one just walk away and they'll come back if they really want to? If you do go through with a 'break', how long is too long? I've been on a break since April and it is really starting to take a toll on my self esteem and overall well-being but I don't want to lose her.
If it’s taking a toll on your overall well-being, then the break is too long and it’s time to tell her that you want to commit to her and you’re ready to prove it, and if she doesn’t want that, then it’s over.
If she doesn’t come back, then you’d already lost her.
4:41 pm • 14 June 2014 • 10 notes
Anonymous said: I've been seeing this guy for the past month or so. Things have been going better than expected--he's just an all around wonderful guy and it's clear he's crazy about me. Turns out he's looking for jobs in another state and will be gone in the next 6 months (or sooner). Do I go on dating him because we have a good time together when I know there's an expiration date and no chance of things continuing once he moves or just cut ties now before I get even more attached?
Look, if you keep dating, you need to hedge your bets that you’re both going to get dramatically more attached. So the question isn’t, “should I date him with an expiration date?” because that gives an unrealistic emotional landscape to your problem. The question is, “am I willing to be in a long distance relationship, or move to a new state, or have my heart broken?” Those are your options.
Once you have weighed those options, and say for instance, you are willing to be in a long distance relationship, then it is your responsibility to (drum roll for everyone’s least favorite piece of advice!) talk to the guy you are dating about where he sees this going and what he’s looking for. Trust me, I know how much prepping for this talk blows, but he’s either going to say, “I really like you and I want to see what happens,” in which case rainbows! fireworks! stars! or he says, “I’m not looking for anything serious,” and you say, “OK, I think I’m going to get hurt. So let’s stop seeing each other.”
I have never known a person to call someone “all around wonderful” and not get completely wrapped up. Let us all be reminded that Entry Level Heartbreak, as a disease, lasts generally around six months to be cured. Symptoms include missing out on fun nights with your friends, eating foods that make you feel sluggish (or alternately, eating so little you feel weak), drinking to the point of vomiting, distracted from success at work and with other men. We all go into heartbreak like warriors, and good, but you don’t have to go to war.
4:29 pm • 14 June 2014 • 39 notes
Anonymous said: How do you get over jealousy issues even when you know deep down that you have nothing to be jealous about, and you have a lot to offer, etc.?
There’s a woman I went to college with who, according to the Internet, leads a pretty spectacular life. I never knew her well enough to comment on her character, but damn does her life look good. The past year has just been a slew of neon sunsets highlighting her ridiculous body while she relaxes with her handsome fiance in various worldly locations after obtaining yet another degree. I’m jealous. Of course I’m jealous! And I’m jealous of my friend Nina’s natural way with art. I’m jealous of Bud’s ability to seemingly just bunny hop up steep climbs on her bike while I’m like, literally panting behind her. I’m jealous of siblings with great relationships. I’m jealous of the friends who post photos from around the world because 1) where did you get that much vacation time and 2) where did you get that much money. I’m jealous of girls who can pull off sleeve tattoos. I’m jealous of girls with no cellulite. I’m jealous!
But jealousy isn’t the problem, inactivity is. Jealousy and inspiration aren’t so different from one another. You see something you wish you had, and you either stew in your envy, or you go out and do something about it. When you feel envy, when things feel ‘unfair’, if you can’t muster gratitude for your situation, find the strength to turn your negative emotions into motivation. I can’t bunny hop steep climbs yet. I can’t paint well yet. I might not ever have two months of vacation a year and I’ll probably always have cellulite, but I’ll be damned if that means I’m not gonna wear short shorts like every weekend is the best vacation of my life.
You can be jealous, but you need to be realistic too about what you are jealous of. Even in my happiest Instagram moments with blonde hair shining, smile a mile wide, I’m still in debt, my brother is still sick, and my heart is still grappling with seeing my toothbrush in its special cup on my ex’s bathroom counter 47 days after we broke up. Photos have a beautiful way of hiding those things.
So be jealous, but only so you can be very, very ambitious.
4:10 pm • 14 June 2014 • 63 notes
More weekend pop. This is going to happen all summer long.
6:51 pm • 13 June 2014 • 5 notes
on finding your “fuck it”
“I let life turn me into a rule-abiding curmudgeon this past year, and I’d really like to get back in touch with my inner ‘fuck it’. Also, I would follow Ann’s newsletter around the world.“
That’s how I explained why I was going to Guatemala. Ann’s newsletter, for those who don’t know, is a weekly email sent on Fridays by annfriedman containing an assortment of things she wrote, things she enjoyed, and just things in general. It’s not really a newsletter so much as a list of links and gifs your best friend would have g-chatted you if her new job weren’t so incredibly important and busy. And that paragraph was what I wrote when asked why I was sending a check to Ann’s best friend to attend their joint-led retreat held this coming Thanksgiving in Central America—where I was going to find my “fuck it.”
7:24 pm • 12 June 2014 • 124 notes